She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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