Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
