i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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