You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
