Life is so much better after having sex.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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