It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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