Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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