paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
