i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
