I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
