I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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