So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
