Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
