I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
