woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
