i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
