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• (312): View more from Illinois

  We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?

  (312): View more from Illinois

  But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.

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• (662): View more from Mississippi

  Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.

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• (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.

  (1-608): View more from Wisconsin

  Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.

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• (303): View more from Colorado

  If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

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• (860): View more from Connecticut

  letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs

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• (308): View more from Nebraska

  Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.

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• (619): View more from California

  FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??

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• (602): View more from Arizona

  just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him

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• (212): View more from New York

  You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.

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• (773): View more from Illinois

  He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.

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• (314): View more from Missouri

  Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.

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• (716): View more from New York

  I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out

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• (949): View more from California

  I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now

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• (863): View more from Florida

  Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.

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• (914): View more from New York

  I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme

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