so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
