This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
