yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
