i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
