I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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