I must be too annoying 4 u.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
