Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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