i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
