Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
