no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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