Apparently you make a good broom.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
