my phone needs a breathalizer
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
