There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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