please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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