But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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