I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Randomize
