Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
