i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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