I could have mohawked her pubes.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
