You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Can Purell be used as lube?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Randomize
