you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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