how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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