Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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