Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
