if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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