Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
