I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
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its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
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Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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