I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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