I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
