Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Randomize
