alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
