seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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