this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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