remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
