1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
