I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize
