he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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