420 ftw
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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