I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
